Written by Greg F. O'Fay
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Sunday, 17 April 2005

image for Glitter Right Hand Man at Deepcut
Forget the Queens shilling give them M&M's

After the shock appointment of Michael Jackson to take over as camp comander at Deepcut. Today it has emerged that Gary Glitter has been enlisted to boost Army recruitment. Glitter, a convicted paedophile and old friend of Jackson will be travelling the country like a modern day pied piper. His rallying call of " wanna be in my gang " will be heard from lands end to John o groats and it is expected that the recent fall in recruitment because of the Iraq and Deepcut effects will be soon forgoten.

It is thought Glitter has carried out extensive trials of his recruitment methods on the troubled Pitcairn Island. The parents there willingly gave up their young boy soldiers into the care of the 70's glam rock star. While in the south seas, Glitter showed parents and possible recruits his training videos, all from the private collection that he has ammased while traveling to such places as Thailand and Cambodia. An Island spokesman said, it is truely saddening that we have missed out for so many years the way the Asians train youngsters to serve. Our Island will be a more broad minded place thanks to Mr Glitter.

The Ministry of Defence ( MoD ) are said to be delighted at the news of a new recruitment supremo and is rumoured to have said, the namby pamby Defence Committee had recommended a raise in the age of recruitment, Mr Glitter will dramatically reduce the age of recruitment, this will relieve the poor dim witted people in this country of their responsabilities and allow us to groom these youngsters in the new Jacksonian way.

A new poster campaign is to be rolled out country wide in the near future. Lord Kitchiner has been raised from the dead and has posed for the new poster. He is believed to have said, forget the Queens shilling, nowadays a bag of m&m's will have them in your lap like a rat up a drain.

Opposition to Glitter's new roll include child rubbish picking moguls in Brasil. They say, if Glitter's antics in the UK catch on we may see a fall in worldwide stock of potential youngsters that are available to exploit.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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