Media War Over - Witchell to be Bridesmaid

After years of strife betwixt Her Majesties Press and The Royal Household peace has broken out.
A notice has been pinned to the gates of Windsor Castle proclaiming that renowned broadcaster, Nicholas Witchell (69) is to act as Chief Bridesmaid for today's ceremony.
Rumours have circulated for years about a secret relationship between Witchell and Mrs Camillla Parker Bowles and it is believed that Nick (46, 22 75) presented Ms Bowles with a full set of harness for her earlier fairytale wedding to Red Rum.Said harness was gilt enhanced with a BBC logo and the entwined initials "FU" thought to denote their secret nicknames for each other of Fido and Uranus.
Prince Charles' long resentment for redhead Witchell came to a festering eruption while the Prince and his sons participated in a photoshoot on their recent break at Butlins, Filey. The Prince was heard to mutter "Who is that spotty sniveller" as Witchell drew himself up to his full 4 ft 11 1/2ins and uttered the imaginative question of "How do you feel ?".
Events turned nasty with fellow journalists rushing to Witchells aid with upturned boxes for him to stand on and sneer at HRH gesticulating in a manner indicating that he has personal knowledge of Ms Bowles inner sanctums without the use of personal hygiene products.
Royal advisers hurriedly arranged meetings to broker a truce and the spirit of the late Norman Hartnell was called upon at a secret sceance, the result being a beautiful peach organza dress to encage wizened Witchells frame for todays ceremony at Windsor .
Nicky is said to be absolutely thrilled but on being asked how he felt about his big role in todays events, he was heard to mutter "Why am I always the bridesmaid ?".
It is believed that Ms Witchell will wear silk underwear and matching satin wellingtons for the occasion, hair and make up will be by Royal favourite, Rolf Harris.
The happy couple are known to be delighted at the prospect of Witchell sharing centre stage with them on their big day.
A blacked out Mercedes Benz has been ordered for his safe transportation which will be driven by a Frenchman via secret tunnels to ensure that he arrives safely without his dress being unduly creased.