Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Thursday, 15 July 2010

image for Lord Peter Mandelson - I Lied But You Can Believe Me Now
"Honestly, there IS a wolf"

As the storm grows from revelations made in Lord Peter Mandelson's memoirs, The Third Man, pundits have began to increasingly ask the simple questions - if as he says Gordon Brown made mistake after mistake, ignored key advice, had a "ludicrously optimistic" view of the economy and much much worse...

Then why did you back him time after time during the recent election as the best man to lead the country? Why did you help manage his campaign? Why did you continually brief in his favour? Why did you give effusive after effusive quotes about Gordon Brown including such chestnuts as telling the country he's doing "an exceptionally good job"?

Our man in Westminster asked him about his record on telling the truth:

"Look, I know that the likes of Geoffrey Robinson accused me of lying to the Commons about the home loan affair and it cost both of us our government jobs back in 1996. Did I lie then? Well, the fact is you all let me back into government didn't you?

But then back in 2001 it is true that I had to resign once more from Government following accusations of me using my position to influence a passport application for a dear friend. Did I lie then? You tell me because in 2004 I was then made Britain's European Commissioner.

Is it true that as European Commissioner (and while Microsoft were at the centre of a major EU investigation) that I spent New Year's Eve on the yacht of Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft? Yes it is so look, I do tell the truth sometimes. Did this have any bearing or benefit for Microsoft or me? I think we all know the truth on that one.

I'll give you another example of my forthrightness; is it true that in 2008, after the scandal in China where melamine was being added to childrens milk (which caused kidney stones and worse in thousands of Chinese children killing at least six) that I then showed my confidence in Chinese dairy products by drinking a glass of Chinese yoghurt in front of reporters? Yes, absolutely true. Is it true that the following week I was hospitalised for a kidney stone? Ironically, yes, it is true. Is it true that for some inexplicable reason I use platform after platform to lobby for Chinese trade? Of course it is, I just love the little guys.

Is it true that during the same year I holidayed with Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska on his yacht on Corfu? Yes, completely true. Was I then responsible for two decisions to cut aluminium tariffs that benefited Deripaska's United Company RusAl? Absolutely true. Did I discuss the tariffs with him on the yacht? What do you think?

After such a glittering career, I would say it was no suprise that for a third time I was reinstated in British cabinet government by Gordon Brown in 2009 (although it is true that this time I was completely unelected and I only got in through the back door as a newly appointed Lord).

Is it true that during this period I was suddently and remarkably persuaded of the urgent need to reduce illegal file-sharing after an a meeting with DreamWorks co-founder David Geffen at the Rothschild banking family's villa on Corfu? Is it coincidental that upon returning from this holiday that I effectively issued an edict that the regulations on file-sharing needed to be much tougher? Absolutely true. Were the two events linked? You'll have to answer that one yourself based on my entirely blameless history.

Is it true that I cannot count the number of pensions and stipends I am entitled to on both hands? Damn right.

Is it true that I am now serialising my memoirs ahead of my book being published to extract yet further millions from the naieve? You better believe it.

Should anyone believe a word I say either in print or in person? The honest truth is..."

The interview was then unfortunately suspended as Mandleson's nose grew an astonishing 11 foot, he was suddenly struck down by lightning and his pants burst into flames.

You can pick up Peter's new book in the fiction section of any good bookstore over the coming weeks. If you are a Russian oligarch, Chinese government official, software baron, Indian businessman, music / film publisher or private loan provider then please send a brown stamped addressed envelope with a huge wad of money in it to Lord Mandelson at his taxpayer funded palace... he may be kind enough to send you a free copy.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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