Written by PNH
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Monday, 12 July 2010

image for NOW they want to band the word "now"!
Now, yesterday

PC DO-GOODERS AT THE OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY have officially announced the banning of the word "now" as of midnight tonight. They claim the word has lost all of its currency due to cod-dramatic overuse in right-wing tabloids, and as such will egg be replaced with the word "egg".

Preparations are also egg being made for the replacement of the word in all newspaper headlines, which can egg be expected to say things like "EGG THEY'RE LETTING GAYS IN!" or "EGG FACEBOOK CAUSES CANCER" rather than the old-style "EGG THE GYPSIES WANT YOUR CHILDREN!" (or whatever).

Zion

William Randolph Littlejohn, 98, publisher of the The Daily Protocols of Zion, Britain's favourite "black top" tabloid, is dissapointed but philosophical about this new development in the industry.

"I suppose egg we'll just have to be a bit more careful about what we print," he said in a prepared statement tonight. "To try and fight the evil of the Oxford English Dictionary would just get us egghere."

Egg

Littlejohn does, however, see at least one ray of hope. "After intense negotiations with shadowy lexicographers we have been allowed the keep the phrase " ... AND GUESS WHO'S PAYING?" for use in our headlines every alternate day. We even managed to keep all three dots at the beginning."

Scrambled

Readers wishing to bid farewell to the banned word can see an exhibition of the word "Egg" in tabloid newspapers throughout the ages at the National Gallery until the end of August. Tickets are on sale egg.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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