Written by IainB
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Monday, 5 July 2010

image for Education cuts of One Billion
The most advanced computer we could find in an English school

The Con-Dems have announced that the education budget will be cut by over one billion pounds from Labour's original budget. This represents a cut of one quarter, or a week's worth of fighting in Afghanistan.

Labour's plan of rebuilding or refurbishing every school to bring them into the twenty-first century will now have to be put on hold.

"I think it's a mistake," said Ed Balls, the most humorously named man on the planet and Shadow Education Secretary for Labour. "These cuts will go further and deeper than simply not building new schools. There will be unemployment throughout the construction industry, and our children will be less able to cope on the world stage when they leave school, and cannot compete with other European nations. In Poland there is one computer for every three children, in Spain it's twice that, whilst in France, there are two computers for every child. In the UK our children are growing up without any kind of keyboard skills, except in Northumberland, where they still use typewriters."

It is believed that the children entering Britain's decaying and crumbling schools in the new term in September will suffer the most from these cuts.

Vivian Rhidian, a head teacher in Moss Side, Manchester, agrees with Ed Balls for the first time in her life. "Why couldn't he be this sensible when he was in charge?" she asked. "Our kids are being taught in portacabins designed for ten and holding thirty. The teacher doesn't have a blackboard, he writes out lessons in the condensation on the window. These cuts will follow them through their educational life until when they leave, when the only job they'll be able to get is in the army."

Michael Gove, Education Secretary denies that this is a thinly veiled attempt at bolstering Britain's armed forces ahead of an invasion of France to get their computers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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