Written by Herr Riballs
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Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Secret Government proposals are afoot to raise the pension age to one hundred years old.

This comes in the wake of discussions by DWP Minister Ian Dunkel Smyth to raise the retirement age to 70.

Under the new proposals, dubbed as work til you drop, British workers will have to toil right up until the 100th birthday telegram arrives from HM The Queen. Those refusing to comply will be tagged and issued with an ASBO.

Other controversial plans include cessation of vital medicine, clamping of mobility scooters and rationing of food supplies. Even further draconian measures include the non issue of colostomy bags and those Oxygen dependent having their supplies cut forever.

Not all bad

It's not all bad news, however. Workers in their 99th year who can prove that both parents are still alive will be exempt from the final year of work.

Alf Shuttlecock, 126, from Bromsgrove thinks the plans are a good idea:

"I've worked all my life from the age of two. I've been in the workhouse, down the pit, worked as a human cannonball in the circus, did the club circuit as an Al Jolson tribute act. You name it i've done it."

Holding back tears, Alf continued: "That was the best time of my life. I was known as Alf Jonson back in the day and was the biggest thing to come out of Bromsgrove at the time".

"These kids today don't know what work is so, yes, I applaud the government for taking these steps. And there's no substitute for experience".

Alf added "When the chance to work for B&Q came at 106 years old I jumped at the chance".

"Not literally", chuckles Alf, with a mischievous grin and watery eye. "My knees aren't the same after laying laminate for 30 years at Floors To Go"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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