Written by Marvus
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Topics: Kent, Union

Saturday, 9 July 2005

image for Latest Poll Shows Drop in 4th Flatmate Approval Rating
The Kitchen of the Damned

Cobham, Kent. Last Wednesday popularity listings for 15 Largo Road were released with speculations of who would lead as ‘top flatmate' and candidate for free pints in the union. The results were far from expected as 4th flatmate, Andrew Parsacks, saw a 12.6% drop in flat approval rating putting him bottom of the league table.

These latest figures of the 5 bedroom flat showed that 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place holders, Christopher Hunt, Jenny Ramirez, and Joseph Whitely respectively, had no real change in popularity among other flatmates. Each of them cited policies of mutual respect and dish cleaning as principle reasons for their maintained popularity and decision making mandates. However, the huge decrease in Parsack's approval meant that, for him, privileges to have friends over and decide what to watch on television were revoked.

Parsacks, 20, was astounded at the results. He claimed that he found it difficult to believe he had lost a whole position in one month; reasoning that he had ‘washed my feet' and ‘kept the door on the latch' only when necessary. "This is absolute bollocks," Parsacks cajoled "I do my fair share of work around here and have no reason to be remanded of my legislative rights in televisitive program decisions"

The flatmates, however, disagree. In last month's results, the housemates cited against him a total of 10 accounts of messy room, 4 cases of poor body odour and general mingingness and 1 point of sexual misconduct with a flatmate's ex. "Andy has been living it large this month with no regard for personal space" says Hunt "he spent all easter weekend throwing stuff around our living room and eating my jaffa cakes. Frankly, if he hadn't gone down in the tables I would have had to press for motion 22.5 according to the house regulator mandate of 2003/04: i.e. told him to clean up after himself."

Analysts suspected that Parsack's time in the flat may be short-lived. "He was abusive, rude and lacked social co-ordination," one explained "he's either going to be evicted from office or forced to reform his demeanour to regain his standing" They predict that this would require a 67% increase in effort on his part to atone for his money owing, lack of toilet cleaning, and bio-hazardous-fridge-food performance.

Parsacks was overtaken by the 5th flatmate, Georgia Monroe, who, prior to the grades, had been considered by Bookies as a possible nominee for eviction by her peers. As now residing fourth flatmate, she has been given executive control of the comfy armchair and has had her capacity to give superfluous opinions reinstated.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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