The Vatican has announced that it is to supply an elite squad of very cruel nuns to Britain. The purpose of this gift is to train British cyclists to obey the rules of the road before the rest of the world comes to visit our Olympics in 2012.
The Pope was alerted that the special skills of his secret squad was needed after reports began flooding into police stations about the very bad behaviour of cyclists who break the law and get away with it. The Pope was contacted by Boris Johnson who had had experience working with these nuns before in the fight against rude terrorists.
These nuns are the last secret that the Vatican possesses and they are kept in a fortress just outside Rome. They are fed on raw meat and only drink tap water specially shipped to Italy from Sellafield. They are also very fiery tempered and are genetically programmed to be totally OCD about rules.
The nuns will arrive next year and their aim is to teach British Cyclist some manners so they won't embarrass us too much in front of the Rest of the World.
The nuns will work by day and by night and won't need fluorescent jackets or torches because they naturally glow in the dark. Some say this is because they are so holy, they glow with the light of the Lord, others say its the radioactive tap water from Sellafield.
By Katarina Frogpond.