Written by Jess Mylocke
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Tuesday, 8 June 2010

image for Crossbow Cannibal Claims He Killed Cumbrian Loony Derrick Bird
It was me, I tells ya!!!!

'Crossbow Cannibal' Stephen Griffiths is so pissed off with the attention-grabbing Cumbrian massacre that he now claims that he in fact killed Derrick Bird and that Bird did not commit suicide.

Griffiths, 40, a gay-looking man with a fetish for Abba and wearing leggings, has admitted that he sneaked out of custody last week when everybody was watching the telly, and shot Derrick Bird with his beloved crossbow, Mary.

Many reporters think this is a bit of a fib.

The Sun and News of the Worst reporters of course believed every fucking word of it.

"Griffits is just a sad bastard", said a police spokesman, "he's jealous of all the attention the other loony is getting. He'd been planning his crime spree fro years and thought he had all the bases covered - catchy name, a slightly gay walk, love of Abba.

"He had his 15 minutes of fame and it was snatched away from him.

"Nobody even calls him the Crossbow Cannibal anymore. We just call him 'Stupid Stephen'".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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