It has been a tough few weeks for top UK narcissist Ashley Cole, writes Kelly Seye, Egotism & Airhead Correspondent. The self-stimulating superstar, part-time fashion accessory and up-himself moron (who also plays football for Melchester Rovers or some team owned by a Russian oligarch) has been hit hard by a tsunami of negative PR, after a string of extra-marital shenanigans led to Girls Aloud songstress wife Cheryl Cole hurling a ton of divorce papers in the general direction of his wooden heart and ego.
Geordie girl-next-door warbler Cheryl - who was catapulted to fame after she came second to comedian Freddie "Parrot-Face" Davies in the UK talent show "Hughie Green's Opportunity Knocks" - seems by contrast to have gone from strength to strength since she finally ditched love rat and tailor's dummy Ashley. She's the favourite fancy of every red-blooded bloke next door.
"The bloke next door to me really fancies Cheryl", said a man in Leamington Spa yesterday. "The bloke next door to him does as well, and the lad who lives next door to the bloke that lives next door to him. The old feller that lives next door to the lad who lives next door to the bloke who lives next door to the bloke next door to me reckons he'd shag the arse off her as well. Would I slip her a length? Personally, I prefer the Greek singer Nana Mouskouri, but if you ask the bloke next door what I think of Cheryl, he's bound to say 'the bloke next door to me really thinks she's hot'. All the blokes next door round here like Cheryl."
Cheryl's love life may also be blossoming again, like the Spring blossoms that have recently been in flower after our harsh Winter snows and frosts. Cheryl has been performing up close and personal lately, with Black-Eyed Susan singer Big.I.Am, the first pop singer to be made out of chrome-plated leather. The nation's favourite girl next door has also been cutting the rug and strutting her stuff with her backing dancer Dermot Huff. Some of their limbs-akimbo limbo-dances and gymnastically gynacological gyrations have set Cheryl's fans' hearts a-flutter. Tongues have been wagging about England's favourite wag and whether she is shagging hot buff stuff Dermot Huff!
And Ashley? "Ashley did at first seem all right", said his mentor and deportment coach Gerry Anderson puppet Captain Scarlet, who has done so much to groom Ashley for a role as a 21st century celebrity. "He just carried on screwing around, and texting pictures of his genitals to a bewildering variety of page 3 models, debutants and miscellaneous bimbos, bimbettes and fame-hungry tabloid fodder.
"Things really seemed to be looking up for him when he dated Mimi 'Ooh La La!' Tinkerbelle Frou-Frou, a Soho exotic dancer from Rottingdean. They went out a few times. Ashley even took her home to meet his gallery of Ashley Cole Photographs by Mario Testino. She seemed to get on really well with the nude shots of Ashley Cole he has stored on his collection of 250 mobile phones.
"But Mimi 'Ooh La La!' Tinkerbelle Frou-Frou went the same way as all the others in the end. She didn't like the way Ashley would come home after another 12-hour shift as a dummy in Fortnum & Mason's Window, and head straight upstairs and masturbate in front of his giant mirror."
Yes. Ashley was alone again. And there was a reason why all these relationships were short-lived. For now there is fresh evidence that the UK's premier sexual egotist and England's number one cold fish has all along only had eyes for one person.
No. It's not himself. That goes without saying. What we mean is, Ashley still loves Cheryl! His latest girlfriend is the spitting image of the Geordie gyrator! Captain Scarlet continued, yesterday:
"This time, I really think Ashley might have found the perfect match. He's started dating the new Cheryl Cole waxwork set for imminent unveiling by Madame Tussauds.
"She looks just like Cheryl, she can't see what Ashley's up to, and he doesn't have to try to think of anything interesting to say to her. She's the perfect eye candy trophy partner for an arrogant, self-adoring prick like him.
"The perfect 21st century iconic couple could very soon be back in business!" enthused Captain Scarlet. "She could even join him in Fortnum & Mason's Window!"
What the real Cheryl Cole will think of all this is anyone's guess, though she has said that she won't allow the waxwork Cheryl to wear any of her trademark frocks.