Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 25 May 2010

image for Con-Dems to make savings to save the economy
Gizzus some change, mate, we're trying to save the economy

George Osborne has been laying out his plan for reducing the six billion Stirling budget deficit in the UK, and it will be a bitter pill to swallow, in part because sugar is to be removed from all oral medication.

The standard cuts of not employing anybody new, and MPs taking public transport are only going to cut a third off the total, leading to more wide ranging cuts.

No longer will biscuits be served in meetings, almost leading to a back bench revolt.

"There were always biscuits under Labour," stormed John Prescott. "That were something I introduced. It's a scandal!"

A straw poll will be conducted to see which of the seventy countries that the UK gives aid to, and those that nobody has heard of will cease getting aid, whilst the contribution to the EU is going to be halved.

"As we have a national debt larger than Mexico and Guatamala combined, I think it's only fair," said Osborne. "After all, neither of those two countries are expected to contribute to the EU."

Street cleaning will be suspended every other month, and street lighting will not be switched on in areas with a low crime rate. All government services will be available on a premium rate number instead of a free phone one.

By far and away the biggest saving will be by moving Westminster to Newcastle, where property and second homes are cheaper.

"London is too expensive these days," said Osborne. "You can get a chip barm in Durham for a quid, it costs a fiver here."

Bishop Auckland community centre has already been earmarked as the next privy chambers.

"We're still looking at cutting other areas," said Osborne. "We're hopeful that we can at least meet the repayments by the end of this month, otherwise, Britain will be repossessed."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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