Written by Erskin Quint
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Tuesday, 18 May 2010

image for Cameron and Clegg To Share Same Suit
Thick as Thieves? Cameron, CameronCleggCameron and Cameron hope to learn from these.

New UK Tory Prime Minister David 'Dave' Cameron is likely to share the same suit on a daily basis with his Deputy Lib-Dem Prime Minister Nick 'Nick' Clegg, in a radical cost-cutting plan announced at Westminster yesterday, writes Justin Sycophant for the Cameron-Clegg Propaganda Corporation.

According to a source close to George Osborne's butler, the new bespoke quadruple-breasted double-standard two-faced 'Coalition Come and Join Us Suit of Change' is currently being worked out at Cohen, Goldfrapp & Klutzmann, of Golders Green, for whom spokescutter Abraham Klutzmann said:

'I can do you a beautiful double-breasted pinstripe but whadda they want? Two suits in one already! Two suits for the price of one they mean! And quadruple-breasted? Next week? Do they tell where I can get all this material? Whadda they want, to put me out of business already? They want fireproofing now? You think I was born yesterday? Get outta here!'

Production issues notwithstanding, Cameron and Clegg and Cameron and Clegg and CameronClegg and Cameron expect the order to be ready in a week or so. Our source (close to George Osborne's liberty bodice) told us that the squeaky-clean pals hope to unveil the new suit - which they want to be fully fireproofed and watertight, with a knifeproof back - at Prime Deputy Minister's Question Time.

The pair are understood to be already undertaking intensive training sessions in preparation for when they inhabit their radical 'Coalition Come and Join Us Suit of Change'. Among their training methods are said to be:

  • the study of old videos of Morecambe and Wise in bed together
  • intensive training with crack Pantomime Horse & Cow Operatives from Top Seaside Shows
  • the study of Virgil's Aeneid, in particular the tale of the Trojan Horse
  • extensive research into the experiences of conjoined twins
  • the study of "Advanced Charlatanism and Flim-Flam" by Dr Hyram B Quackmeister
  • an extensive course of study with Mr Dennis Ningo, a Punch & Judy Man


Our source - who is close to George Osborne's face powder, posset pots and herb-poultices - fell over, got back up, and told us that Foreign Secretary Lord William Dreary-Plague of Arkengarthdale would not be sharing a Leather Dominatrix Suit with Home Secretary Theresa 'Miss Basilisk' May, since he was allergic to Corporal Punishment, and she could not bear to be confined so close to his incessant Yorkshire Braying and Whining.

Our source - close to George Osborne's pox ointment - was able to reveal that Oliver Letwin, author of the flop lightweight novella 'The Conservative Manifesto', once joined the Fabian Society, but left soon after he realised that it was a Socialist organisation and not the fanclub of the former American Teen Idol 'Fabian'.

He would not, however, confirm the rumours emanating from George Osborne's bed-warmer, to the effect that old Vince Cable, the Coalition Gargoyle and Gothic Frontispiece, would soon be cemented to the facade of the House of Commons in an attempt to introduce a touch of gravitas to the new "Boy's Own Jolly Good Jape of a Spiffing Top-Hole Good Egg Parliament".

Nor would he be drawn on whether or not George Osborne, Fop In Charge of the European Periwig Mountain, is having his head wallpapered with 19th-century arsenic-pigmented wallpaper from the Osborne family vaults.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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