The House of Lords has 707 eligible perrs of which 211 take the Labour whip. Despite the fact that these 211 suffered 350 defeats in the last session of Parliament, CamClegg Incorporated need to make another couple of hundred ConDem peers to address the democratic deficit. In other words, to ensure that the coalition never suffers a defeat in the House of Lords.
There will be new ConDemLab peers added soon but there remain many vacancies.
This is where Simon Cowell comes in. Lords Cowell, Morgan and Dame Holden will shortly begin auditions for a new political pop show, "How many prospective Peers can we chuck off Brighton Pier".
Simple rules really, competitors give a speech that contains as much of the ConDem manifesto promises (except the broken and newly discarded)and if you are lucky you won't get dumped in the English Channel. Losers will jump or be pushed - hey! just like Gordon Brown, our once Glorious leader was! That C Nick Clegg is a scheming bastard.
The last 200 will vote by PR for each other and will be whittled down until 150 are left standing. These are the new Lords and Dames. They will all be Essex boys and girls called Tracey or Darren and drive Ford Capris.
England football players, WAG's, sundry pop stars and wannabe A list Conservative Parliamentary Prospective Candidates will, of course be lauded and Lorded or Damed.
Scots, anyone who lives in a constituency that elected a Labour MP and Charles Kennedy MP are damned and will not be eligible.
The Lords, Cowell and Morgan have already unilaterally decided that XFactor, Pop Idol and BGT winners, have been through the mill and will be excused having to Peer over the Pier. Accordingly we now have Lord Paul Potts, Dame Leona Lewis, Dame Alexandra Burke, all of Girls Aloud and Lord Will Young.
The Cameroons overruled any of the past Scottish winners as David is still very miffed about those bloody Scots only electing one Conservative MP - not once, but twice!
Lord Cowell has assured the fans that Susan Boyle will receive either an MBE or an OBE soon but none of the other Scottish whingers will receive any honour.
Reaction from the colonies
Susan Boyle fanatics, who already bestow the title of Lady on their heroine are in uproar. They are demanding to know why our Lady Susan is not on the list. Because you are nosey, interfering foreigners and it has damn all to do with you, that's why!
They are expected to flood into Westminster, as soon as the ash goes, to protest on the green so that the media give them maximum coverage. On being told that wearing red will not get them on Sky News, their leader stormed off to a meeting with IDS, another fundamentalist right wing Christian, just like the fanatics but who also happens to be a ConDemned Government minister.
A spokesman for C Nick Clegg told us that they had to fix the numbers in the Lords to reflect the vote at the General Election. This is in accord with our aim of sweeping away all the old ways. If we have to resort to number manipulation to achieve a majority, so be it, we are the Government so piss off if you don't like it.