Written by Phil Maggitti
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Topics: London, Charity

Thursday, 17 February 2005

image for Jennifer Lopez Cancels European Tour After Being Sickened by Grammy Performance
Jennifer Lopez leaving Grammy Awards show.

LONDON - Disappointed fans grumbled last night in Leicester Square after learning that Jennifer Lopez had cancelled her appearance at the UK charity premiere of her new movie, Shall We Dance? The gravity-defying actress and singer cancelled at the last minute, saying she was "too ill to fly, let alone walk-or vice versa."

"That thunder butt's off her feed," said Sheila Clarke, who had waited four hours in typically rotten British weather to get a glimpse of Lopez. "She owes her fans better than this. I've got a good mind to sue her arse, but that would take a team of lawyers."

Although a spokeswoman for Lopez claimed the star had been laid low by "the same flu that nearly killed Michael Jackson," The Sun is alleging that Lopez, 35, became violently ill after watching a video of her performance at last Sunday's Grammy Awards show. Lopez' duet with her third husband, Marc Anthony Lopez III, was "the musical equivalent of Gigli," said The Sun, "and the single best argument in favor of gay marriage."

"Backing out of the premier was not an easy decision for Jennifer," said her spokeswoman.

"Indeed," mocked The Sun, "backing out of any place is always a difficult maneuver for Lopez, who ought to consider putting rear view mirrors on her sunglasses."

In addition to canceling her London appearance, Lopez announced that she was canceling all European promotion of Shall We Dance? and her new album as well. She even pulled out of an appearance at co-star Richard Gere's Friends of Furry Rodents cotillion later this week. The additional cancellations fueled gossip that Lopez may be pregnant or that she may have developed an allergic reaction to her newest fragrance, Miami Glow by J-Lo.

Lopez described the fragrance as "a tropical cocktail bursting with the scents of lush fruits, fresh flowers, and sun-baked sand" when she introduced it at a New York fashion show last week.

Joan Rivers, who covered the show for Cosmetic Surgery Illustrated, begged to disagree. "The only sand it smells like is the sand recently occupied by a 300-pound sweaty woman," said Rivers. "Choosing between that toilet water and Jennifer's toilet of a new movie is like picking your favorite Menendez brother."

In related news, Nigel Byrd, chairman of last night's premier, said that Lopez' seat at the gala was given to a family of four immigrants from Uzbekistan.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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