London, England - This week Prince Charles revealed his April wedding plans to long time mattress (oh, I mean mistress!) Camilla Parker Bowles, disregarding any negative opinions about the match expressed by other members of the Royal family, and family and friends of Princess Diana.
"We always thought of her as a cow," Diana's brother said. "But now we have uncovered new evidence that she is much more than that. Diana always said that Camilla looked like Ron Wood's (The Rolling Stones) stunt double. If she had only lived to see what she really looks like."
Diana's family told us that Diana was very aware of Camilla's position as the third wheel on their marriage bicycle. "She always said, it was a bit crowded in the marriage with Camilla around.
Years ago Diana's family had a private detective follow Ms. Bowles to confirm rumors flying about, that the sexcapades between Camilla and Charles were still going on. What they uncovered was far more disturbing than a continuing affair.
"Even with a very clever disguise, the truth was evident. She's not a cow; she's a bloody horse! Everyone knows that Charles met Camilla at a polo match in 1970, while riding a horse, but no one knew SHE was the horse," investigators said. "She was trying her best not to show her real persona, but all her efforts failed and the truth was mare' apparent. We found her on the beach in Barbados sunning herself with a bag of her favorite oats beside her."
The Royal family has declared that if and when Prince Charles becomes King, Camilla will not be called queen or even princess but, "Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Cornwall." (Who makes up this crap?) It would be closer to the truth if they called her "Her Royal Horseness, The Duchess of Cornfields," friends of Diana say.
Saks of London is rumored to be designing Camilla's Trousseau. What a waste of their great designers time. Why don't they just call a consultant from "Horse and Rider" magazine or better yet, "Fields and Streams."