Written by Belcherlot
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Thursday, 6 May 2010

image for One Last Helping Hand From The Tories

In a last ditch attempt to mobilise the male youth vote, the least represented demographic at Parliamentary Elections, the Tory Party have announced plans to institutionalise masturbation. They are claiming that bashing the bishop has positive effects on young men's attentiveness in class and concentration span at work.

An expert the Tories are using for this policy initiative explained, "Choking the chicken relieves sexual tension and requires a man to do several things at once, he must imagine sexy thoughts, move his wrist rhythmically and engineer ample emergency safeguards in case of detection. It's basically multi-tasking but with more semen."

Several slogans have been hastily put on billboards and taken to Colleges, Universities and Apprenticeship Schemes across the country. In Birmingham the posters was printed with "Don't Go Barmy; Stroke your Salami". In Liverpool they went with "Hold your Todger, Captain Roger". And in Cornwall the sign read "Jerking the Gherkin; Britain is Working".

David Cameron proclaimed his pleasure at the new policy and said "We can now look forward to having the Crème de la Crème in our new job placements." This sounds a little more perverse when translated back into English and Cameron later had to clear up the mess he had created...well, he was very keen to endorse the initiative there and then.

The whole saga just goes to show that the Tories really are a bunch of wankers, not that Kleenex shareholders will be complaining.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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