Written by Nae mair crap
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Tuesday, 20 April 2010

image for Top Gear Trashy Travellers Tales
stick to believable stunts guys

The "Top Gear" trio of twats, Hammond, May and Clarkson are not happy chappies. Shouting, as usual, Hammond, who makes up for his petiteness by shouting louder than anyone else declared, "This can't be right, these stranded tourists have got better story lines than us"

The tossers Twittered and Tweeted their rich chums all over Europe and decided to strand themselves in far flung corners of the continent.

"We can't have ordinary punters besting our silly pranks, we need to outdo ourselves and our TV producer will pay, of course" smirked Clarkson.

"Wow" whispered May, "we do it in reverse and make ourselves even bigger plonkers than usual".

So it was decided. They get to the European mainland in the most unorthodox or expensive, Heath Robinson contraptions that someone else's budget will buy them and make it look as if they are struggling through Europe.

"What a jolly wheeze" guffawed May, "Just like the time I fitted a solar panel as big as my livingroom to my mini to see how far I could get before the boys in blue arrested me"

May will continue to play the eccentric Englishman and launch himself into the English Channel in a bathtub powered by the latest in wave generating technology, while he regales us with anecdotes about men swimming the channel. Then he will be hit by a ferry, and rescued by some perplexed Chinese seaman on an oil tanker, and not be heard of until he reaches Shanghai. Can't you get him any further away from the UK, where there is no satellite technology?

Cheesy Clarkson will swipe a high powered motor launch and borrow Cheryl Cole and Jordan as he screams across the Channel. He will land on the Dunkirk beaches and abandon his passengers as he sneaks aboard a Marseille bound camion. He will be arrested five kilometres later with the illegal immigrants who are hanging on the underside of the camion.

The rascal, Hammond, will stowaway on the Portsmouth to Bilbao ferry, pretend to be Basque, because no one understands them either, and win the super duper first prize of nothing for the most pointless journey. He will record ten adverts for a supermarket fish counter promotion on his journey.

Then he will be rescued by HMS Ark Royal, cost the UK taxpayer a fortune to bring him home, boast about the expense he has incurred and be welcomed as a hero in Portsmouth by two "Top Gear" aficionados.

All set up for the cameras as usual.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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