Written by Nae mair crap
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Tuesday, 6 April 2010

image for The UK General Election explained
don't matter who we pick, we get bad after bad

What it isn't. It does not take place every four years in the middle of any month. It is planned but the PM keeps that a secret, even from the Queen.

It occurs, when the incumbent Prime Minister decides he's had his chips or someone else decides for him or he's lost the confidence of the House of Commons. Mr Brown, lost that a long time ago, yet he soldiered on until it was inevitable.

Then he has to ask Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, to dissolve Parliament as he needs to go to the country. If he goes to Scotland or Wales, he will be OK but try going to England and he's dumped.

We don't have Primaries, cawcawess( can't spell the damn word)or sophomores dancing to welcome the candidate. We don't have a two party duopoly but we can have any number of politicians fighting, lying, deceiving and kissing babies heads.

Our TV viewing is disrupted for a month as we listen to them promising everything and coming up with nothing new. We have lots of tea breaks as we all rush to the kitchen, when the Party Political broadcasts come on TV, to put the kettle on.

We don't have conventions or inaugurations. The winner is first past the post. The post used to be 326 but the politicians gerrymandered, as usual, and now who knows where the post is.

The sophologists (statiticians) will have a field day extrapolating this and that then they will probably calculate the probablility of a swing here and there. If Basildon or Basingstoke goes Tory we are all in the shit.

On best estimates, they will, with 95% probablility, bore all, except the geeks who hang on to every nuance and multicoloured piechart and histogram. But, technology has advanced so much that we really must expect 3D effects on our HD TV's and lightning fast correlations will appear before our weary eyes.

The good news is that by one minute past the closing time of all the polling stations, someone, somewhere on BBC, ITV or SKY will predict the winner, based on exit polls. The good thing is we are all on the same time zone in the UK except the politicians who will forever be on borrowed time. Flashing lights, fancy diagrams and please, a smiling Gordon Brown and a drunk as hell, shattered Cameron will appear before us. It really doesn't matter to me I vote SNP. Then we know the winner and can go to bed fuming or smiling. Then we waken up to a different winner. The sample with the built in bias strikes again. In other words, loads of us bloody minded British told lies about where our votes were cast.

We pray not to have a hung parliament because in 7 months, if HM says yes, we have to go through it all again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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