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Tuesday, 30 March 2010

image for UK Independence Party Holds Secret Meeting of Executive Committee
Parliamentart seats at stake

UKIP has convened a secret meeting of the party's executive committee in a beach hut in Morecambe. UKIP National Secretary Britony Albion agreed to talk to this reporter on the seafront.

"We wanted to hold the meeting as far away from Europe as possible" she explained. "We thought of the Isle of Man, but they're all half Viking there, and the place is crawling with German tourists clutching wads of Euros and wearing Italian shoes.

"Someone suggested Wales or Cornwall, but the Celts originally came from France and Spain, so they weren't suitable either. We decided to focus on our solid Anglo-saxon roots, the very essence of our Britishness, so Blackpool seemed the obvious choice, but it's too rowdy there, and most of the workers in the funfair are Polish.

"Morecambe has turned out to be brilliant. This time of year, it's nice and quiet on the beach, and the hut is close to a burger and tea bar on the promenade. Every lunchtime the lads pop over to the pub and let me get on with the typing for an hour or so".

I asked Ms. Albion if she could give our readers a hint of what was being discussed.

"Oh - that's no secret! We're planning our strategy for the coming general election. The Tory Party said they'd put their weakest candidates to stand against us in order to concentrate their attack on New Labour, but I think that's a bluff - deep down, they're really worried about our growing support across the country.

"Lord Monckton? He's still in Australia spreading the word and debunking all the nonsense about global warming. He's having a whale of a time, not that he supports commercial whaling of course. He sent us a nice postcard of the Sydney Opera House with the message 'Looks like a Terry's Chocolate Orange, doesn't it?

"Weather's great, having a bonza time, beer is flowing, glad I'm not there'. He's such a nice chap, we all miss his cheery 'G'day all! Warm enough for ya? Gissa beer - me stomach thinks me throat's been cut', and I think he really misses "the old country' as he calls it".

Ms. Albion is 27 and lives in "Little Venice" in Paddington, London.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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