With just months, weeks, days or even hours to the general election, Sir Richard Beardie has been drafted in as the UK's new Rail Tzar.
In a move welcomed across party lines - although it must be said the zookeeper did warn in advance that the chimpanzees don't like being disturbed when having tea despite their enthusiasm for a new rail plan - it took Sir Richard only three minutes and an expense claim for a 23p phone call to sort out the trains.
Many £800 a day consultants, currently trousering millions of pounds in an attempt to get the rail system to gather momentum, are said to be very upset that it only took Sir Richard three minutes and 23p. Their spokesmen G. Reedy and Usellus Twatt said that they had spent many a long dinner in 6-star Michelin restaurants, agonising over copious bottles of Bollinger as to how best solve the rail crisis. They continued "we feel as if we have been totally derailed".
The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, is said to be keeping his eye on how things progress.
The leader of the Liberal Democrats, you know, what's his name, was said to be delighted.
Leader of the Tories, Big Dave is said to be scouring Wikipedia to find out what people mean by 'public transport'.
Leader of the BNP, Nick Nasty is said not to be really concerned providing all trains are painted white.