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Monday, 1 March 2010

image for Highways Agency to Shut Down; Lack of Cones Blamed
Our Minister Against Transport

The Highways Agency - the department responsible for closing Britain's roads - is to be forced to close.

In a shocking revelation we have learned that the Highways Agency has run out of traffic cones and is even appealing to students, stag parties and hen nights to return any traffic cones they may have "accidentally worn as a hat"

"We can no longer meet our government targets of shutting all Britains motorways - we simply don't know what to do" we were privately told by Mr FU Lycragay one of the Highways Agencies spokespeople.

The situation has become so desperate that some employees are given cash bonuses to steal anything orange and made of plastic. Some well known celebrities have even been forced into hiding as a result.

"Our target is to cone off or close every motorway or A road in the country by next week and we simply don't have enough traffic cones. We've wasted most of them on the M1 and we simply don't have enough money or traffic cones to keep up with our targets."

The current deployment of traffic cones has now covered almost 200% of the M1, M25, M6, M2, M4, M5 and M8 and although the effort to separate Nottingham from the human race should be praised the pointless 50mph speed limit still exists

Mr Lycragay went on to explain that "We have even introduced highly mobile patrols who can shut a motorway at a minutes notice for no apparent reason. What more can we do?"

In other news traffic on the M1 was brought to a standstill yesterday when a strange alien figure wearing a hard hat and high visibility jacket was spotted in roadworks. Many drivers stopped their cars to take photos and we have it on good authority that this unusual apparition has actually been recorded for publication on YouTube.

Ripley's Believe it or Not have even contacted eyewitnesses as somebody actually mending Britian's roads is widely believed to be an urban myth.

The Highways Agency have so far only given limited comments blaming the incident on mass hysteria, crop circles, that time of the month or UFO's

In a rare announcement the UK's Department Against Transport blamed the whole incident on "Those funny sweeties you buy at motorway service stations"

We did attempt to contact a motorist for their views but unfortunately they were all stuck in traffic jams at the time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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