Written by Harry Porter
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Topics: Farmers, Mice

Friday, 26 November 2004

image for Mutilated Mice in Cash Claim
'We never saw it coming.'

Three visually-impaired mice, who all had their tails severed in a horrific domestic incident, have lodged a compensation claim with the UK's National Farmers Union.

The traumatised trio are seeking financial remuneration following an incident at Briarwood Farm, Woking, Surrey, which resulted in their "mutilation and long-term psychological trauma".

In their deposition, the mice claim that Mrs Amy Giles (38), wife of Farmer Bert Giles, "did, without due cause, and in careful premeditation, sever each mouse's tail, using a carving knife, or similar kitchen utensil."

According to police reports, at 1pm, the time of the incident, the mice had been running from a grandfather clock where one of their friends, a Mr Dickory, who has not been traced, had been climbing up the brass pendulum.

Solicitor to the mice Jerry Mason QC said: "As I understand, the clock struck one and, unfortunately, the blind mice got a terrible fright and sprinted for cover. Being blind they weren't aware that they were running into the kitchen where the farmer's wife was standing.

"Mrs Giles is alleging that she was, in fact, chased by the mice and believes she was entitled to carry out the maiming as a form of self defence.

"One needs to ask if she was ‘chased' then how did she cut their tails, unless all three were caught and, in cold blood, maimed?

"Mrs Giles is well-known for her dislike and persecution of mice and other rodents therefore my clients and I believe she was not only undoubtedly reckless and negligent in her actions but also… cruel.

"As such we expect to be awarded considerable financial compensation and a further settlement of brie, stilton with apricots and nice crusty bread."

Mr Mason also hinted that a second action for constructive dismissal could be raised by the farm cat Puss in Boots who, as he has now been made unwittingly redundant, has been forced to relocate to London.

If the mice are successful in their action it would be the second award made to mice following flagrant abuse to their persons in the name of entertaining children. Two white mice famously received 80lbs of cheese as compensation for being turned into horses for one night by a fairy godmother after the chauffeur driver was too drunk to take Cinderella to the ball.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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