Written by Harry Porter
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Topics: Britain, business

Saturday, 7 May 2005

image for Crown Jewels to Fund Royal Cheese Business
Her Majesty - 'Say cheese'.

A number of Britain's Crown Jewels are to go under the hammer as HM The Queen tries to raise the cash necessary to start up her own organic cheese business.

Parliament has given the nod of approval to Her Majesty to allow her to fulfill a lifelong ambition - giving her subjects a cheese they can really be proud of.

Cheese has been a recognised lifelong passion for The Queen and it seems, after years of nibbling everything from feta to Dairylea, the message from Buckingham Palace is: "One can do better."

It's believed the Royal Household needs to raise around £250,000 to start the churns turning. If that can be achieved then half again will come from start-up grants and the Prince's Trust.

To raise the money, some of the lesser known items from the Crown Jewels will go up for auction next month.

Among the items listed, none of which will be given a reserve price, is the famous wooden sceptre, or stick, used by Henry VIII in the braining of Royal chef Tyrone Devere in 1523 after the King decreed his lentil soup had "an abundance of salt".

There will also be the Bakelite bangle that the young Princess Elizabeth won at an Aunt Sally stall in 1946. Until recently this was on display at the National Museum.

But the piece de resistance is reckoned to be a matching ‘His and Hers' digital watch set, gifted to The Queen and Duke of Edinburgh on a visit to the Timex factory in Dundee in June 1974. The Royal couple wore these on a number of public engagements until the batteries ran out in late July '74. Since then they have been on display in the Tower of London.

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace said: "Her Majesty is taking this business venture very seriously indeed. It is something she will oversee personally until it is a reality; she will not do a radcliffe.

"The entire Royal Family is partial to a nice bit of cheese, whether it's on a cracker or water biscuit or even toasted for a quiet night in front of the television.

"There is a growing demand for organic produce and Her Majesty has confidence that a Royal organic cheese will become the nibble of choice for millions of her loyal subjects."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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