Written by Carl LaFong
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Topics: Cooking, Guinea Pig

Friday, 19 February 2010

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Evil Guinea Pig Hunter

Veteran Headline Writer, Herbert "Guinea Pig" Puddles, is at the centre of yet another controversy following reports that he broke into the restaurant of top TV Chef, Hugh Burnley Whippingstool, and ate one of his pet guinea pigs.

The grizzly scene was witnessed by a shocked troupe of Boy Scouts, who were enjoying a belated, but well deserved, Christmas bash at the eccentric cook's restaurant.

This is familiar territory for Mr Puddles, who first hit the headlines in 1975 whilst working for the Daily Sun. It was alleged that he ate Prince Charles's favourite gerbil - Simon - a claim that was never substantiated owing to lack of evidence.

This latest escapade, however, comes on the back of the Hugh Burnley Whippingstool Christmas special which left animal rights activists outraged.

In the show (ironically aimed at pet lovers) Mr Whippingstool: Hunted Wild Guinea Pigs using pack hounds; Griddled a Gerbil; and Pickled a Hamster.

Mr Puddles, became a multi-millionaire in the headline rush of the 70's. He first found fame following his infamous, "Elton John Stole my Wig", headline - an unsubstantiated story involving entertainer, Bruce Forsyth. His headlines became highly collectable and soon he was producing them solely for the mega rich to hang on their walls. In 1985 an original copy of "Man Bites Postman" was sold at auction for £35 million.

His undoing, however, was his "I Made Them All Up" headline which, in a drunken stupor, he accidentally sent to the News of the Mirror. His demise was swift, even if, as he claimed in his autobiography "Headlines to Breadlines", he had only ever made his last headline up.

Last night Mr Puddles was questioned by Chief Scout Leader, Mr Arnold Dib-Dib but was released on bail after promising not to run away.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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