Scottish first minister and champion of the platform shoe, wee Jock Mcnumptie, today outlined plans to tackle Scotland's imminent population crisis.
Mcnumptie told our reporter that due to Westminster's pre-devolution policy of cynically attempting to sabotage the whisky industry by lacing the national water supply with female sex hormones, much of the male population north of the border is now, "languishing in a sea of buftitude and sterility."
The vertically challenged SMP explained, "Outwith the prison sector the average Scottish sperm is about as healthy as the east coast fishing industry." Mcnumptie went on to point out that it was while researching the paradoxical increase in the number of children born to the nation's criminals that they discovered, quite by accident, the water sabotage: "It's a well known fact that the Scottish prisoner has on average, 7 children each. We found that the only time this element of society ever encountered water was when they were cooking up their heroin fixes, but of course the boiling process and addition of citrus effectively killed off all the oestrogen. Add to that the fact that the Scottish Parliament gives them a huge incentive to pro-create - by way of the massive welfare benefits associated with non-contributing half-wits having children - and you can see why they are breeding like rabbits." Wee Jock added, "Let's face facts -although the recidivist prison population vicariously line the pockets of the nation's judges, lawyers, insurance men, warders and the like, the chances of their progeny amounting to anything is about as likely as the Scottish Executive taking control of our own oil and gas industries."
Mr. Mcnumptie went on to say that as a means of hydration, the average Scottish criminal exclusively utilises a mass produced bottled liquid called Buckfast. Furthermore, ever since the convicted serial killer of more than 300, mad' Shug Mcbampot successfully sued the Scottish Prison Service after nipping his wee eyes on prison issue soap, the mains water has been turned off in each of Scotland's 642 major prisons.
The population crisis in Scotland is potentially catastrophic. The service industry alone must recruit 5,000 plumbers in the next ten years, due primarily to problems associated with retiring in an essentially self-centred, aging population. The First Minister ranted, "It's a bit rich that we have all those 80 and 90 year-olds swanning about in nursing homes or taking up valuable seats on the bus while contributing nothing to the economy. What have that generation ever done for their country? Don't they know there's a war on for God's Sake?"
One solution, tabled last week at a meeting of the Associated Resource-Shaping Economic Strategy group (ARSES), was to embrace the problem of asylum seeking by nationals from famine ravaged or war-torn countries. The First Midget explained, "We are very welcoming folk us Scots and people must remember that. If we were to offer service jobs to the highly skilled, expertly trained individuals pouring into clearing centres up and down the country, I doubt very much if anyone would put bricks through their windows while they slept in the high-rise, condemned tower blocks not fit for human habitation that we house them in. Furthermore, I doubt very much that their children would be marginalised, secularised, systematically bullied and in one case set on fire on their way to school either." Immediately prior to our dictaphone commiting suicide, Mcnumptie added, "Once nationalised it would be harder for them to leave again when they realised that by coming to Scotland they had leapt straight out of the backward IMF bolstered economic frying pan that is their own country into the rusty pancake griddle that is Scottish politics. Just think of the taxes man."