Written by Erskin Quint
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Topics: Sex, Cambridge

Saturday, 6 February 2010

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Coital Cacophonies: Newnham Students Yesterday

Horny housemembers at an all-female Cambridge University college have ditched their old blue-stocking image in favour of lacy thongs, fish-nets and suspenders.

All 400 sexy swots at Newnham College have been rebuked for ribald frolics after complaints about loud lovemaking, coital cacophonies and romping rackets.

20-year-old Ima Whetton, who is studying Human Biology, said: "It's so embarrassing. I thought it must mean me. It's scary to think people have been listening. I mean, I really like people to watch, but the thought of someone actually listening is repellent."

And 19-year-old Suzi Fuchswell, a Physical Education student, admitted: "These walls are paper-thin and the corridors just funnel any sounds. It's easy to forget that if you're being taken from behind or having fruit and vegetables inserted. I just get carried away."

Dick Scratcher, 21, a visiting male Medical student, said: "Help me! I've been here 15 months. When you're drunk it's a nightmare to get out of here. The corridors are like a maze and the slappers won't let you go once they get their teeth into you."

Student Union rep Les Bean, 25, sent an email to all college members asking them to be "discreet" and "aware of others" in their night activities, as "cries of ecstacy" and "orgasmic howls" might upset some people.

Meanwhile Cat Howse, 22, a Massage Therapy student, retorted: "This is so transparent. It's a plot by the lesbians. They're just jealous because they don't know what it is to feel a real man inside their useless dried-up orifices."

Les Bean said, however, that her message also referred to activities such as playing cds, debating and choir practice. "We're not all slags in this college", dungaree-clad Les said yesterday, shaking her close-cropped head.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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