Local man Martin Shuttlecock couldn't understand why his loving wife was giving him the cold shoulder and the silent treatment this morning. Whilst it was true that he had consumed a vast quantity of alcohol the previous night, he had no recollection of being falling-over drunk, or unnecessarily aggressive.
Shuttlecock found it somewhat odd that his wife was behaving this way - not even offering to make him a cup of tea or a full English breakfast. He may have been nursing the mother of all hangovers, but he remained perceptive to the degree where he sensed something was amiss with his good lady wife.
Being too lazy and hungover to be arsed making his own cup of tea, or knocking up a full English, Shuttlecock decided to tough it out, figuring that his wife would come out with it - whatever 'it' may have been. So he sat in his favourite armchair and pretended to read yesterday's newspaper.
The silent treatment continued for a further two hours, before wife Anne, finally broke her sulky silence.
"You don't remember, do you?" she said.
Shuttlecock could only shrug and feign an air of vulnerability.
Anne Shuttlecock then explained how, the previous night, Shuttlecock had been drunk, watching a basketball game on TV before turning in for the night. At 2:49 am, Anne Shuttlecock was awakened by a series of loud screams and thrashing about in the marital bed.
Snapping on her bedside light, Anne Shuttlecock recoiled in horror as she witnessed her husband, still asleep but very much mobile, trying to slam-dunk her favourite Tiffany lamp between the bed and the bedside dresser.
Following a brief struggle, she managed to subdue her night-terror stricken spouse and calm was finally restored.
Sadly, the ornate Tiffany lamp was a total write-off.
A hugely embarrassed Martin Shuttlecock readily agreed to pay for a replacement. Which would probably be more expensive than the original.
But there's always a price to pay.
More as we get it.