Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 13 January 2010

image for Conservatives Propose Immigration Curbs
Trust Me. I Know What I'm Doing.

In an unprecedented move by the Conservative Party leadership, David Cameron today announced that immigration issues would form a core component of the party's general election manifesto.

Mr Cameron was quick to deny that his plan to restrict the UK population to 70 million was in any way racist, describing the strategy as "common sense good housekeeping."

He went on to say that the UK could not viably sustain a population exceeding 70 million, and that this was the sole reason that the Conservatives would be basing their election campaign, at least in part, on an immigration ticket.

Conservative Party fund-raiser Elliot Belcher, told us from his upmarket pied-a-terre on the Sandbanks peninsula, Poole, Dorset:

"It's a sensible strategy. We've been snowed under by immigrants - and snow - recently, and the infrastructure just can't cope with it all. And whilst some of the immigrants have been a positive asset to the economy, and society as a whole, others haven't.

"We cant have people preaching hate against us in our own back yard, and we can't have gipsies begging all over the shop on the London Underground. It's bad for our image internationally."

We also spoke to a single mother of nine who lives on state benefits and various assorted handouts. She told us:

"There's too many people coming over here and digging into the welfare pot. They only come here for the benefits and the free NHS treatment, and the subsidised housing. They should send them all back where they came from, so that there'd be more money in the kitty for British benefit scroungers, like me an ting. I'll be voting Conservative in the next election and no mistake. Somebody needs to tell Labour that they can't buy the benefit vote with free laptops and a lazy life of luxury watching Jeremy Kyle on a fifty-inch plasma screen TV."

In related news, nine out of ten leading Conservatives admitted that they use gardeners, electricians, plumbers and builders from Eastern Europe because they are far cheaper than their British counterparts.

More as we get it.

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