Written by jaffa
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Friday, 5 April 2002

During last nights 'State of London' press conference, London Mayor Ken Livingston confirmed his plans to extend the plans for congestion charges to include pedestrians. Following a 3-week study by leading research group Payas Lotts Incorporated, a draft report was submitted to the Mayors office indicting a 25' reduction in pedestrian traffic by the simple introduction of a pedestrian congestion fee.

"We feel that the time has come to reduce the number of people who crowed the streets of our great city," indicated the mayor, " With a reduction in pavement traffic, we can all expect to get where we need to go faster, with less disruption, and without the need to walk into people who stop for no apparent reason directly in front of you."

"Using the ideas put forward for traffic congestion charges, we will build on this to charge based on the congestion level of the pavements at any given point in time, the purpose of the journey and the type of person making the journey"

When probed for more information, Mr Livingston went on to explain "We would clearly need to charge some people more than others. For instance, people trying to send SMS messages whilst not looking where they are going and walking very slowly would be the highest charge payers. After that we would be looking at groups of young girls trying to walk side-by-side, lost and confused tourists, people who change direction without warning and of course the elderly".

The mayor went on to explain "We would of course provide discount schemes for those that walked using 'giant' steps and so reduced the wear on the pavement. Discounts would also be provided for people who can walk in an entertaining fashion and so boost tourism, or those who can prove that they have been forced to work due to lack of public transport"

In a leaked copy of the original draft report, other future ideas for the new congestion charge include turning pavements into pedestrian one-way systems, the use of 'fast walker' slip lanes and the expansion of the red routes to provide walking 'no stop areas'.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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