Written by Simon Cockle
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Topics: Sex

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

image for Noisy sex woman becomes new carbon monoxide warning alarm
Ironic, really...

A woman whose noisy sex enraged neighbours has now put her anti-social behaviour to good use by featuring in new carbon-monoxide warning sensors. Recordings of Caroline Adult-Literacy, 34, and her husband Gillian, have been installed in the new wall-mounted appliances to warn homeowners of leaks from their gas boilers.

Council officials say that the noise of the couple making love was 'appalling and disturbing enough to attract the attention of anyone.' Carbon monoxide can kill within minutes, although the sounds of love-making used to alert potential victims can also be dangerous.

Professor Legal-High of the University of Sunderland (No, Really) explained 'Love-making sounds like these can be highly upsetting to most people, especially when you don't expect it. Like for example when you're having sex.'

A similar experiment in Sweden, using sounds of loud lovemaking, caused the deaths of four couples who ignored carbon monoxide leaks before they thought their sex session was echoing around the house.

Miss Adult-Literacy and her lover have now been rehoused in an underground bunker in Essex where they can make love as loud as they want, surrounded by the sad paraphernalia of their working-class lives - chip wrappers, Sky remotes, imitation firearms and Lambrusco.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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