Written by matwil
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Christmas, UK, councils

Friday, 30 October 2009

image for British councils restrict Christmas festivities to avoid insulting the intelligence of millions of British people
The conman of Rome

Most town and city councils across the United Kingdom today made the decision to restrict and in fact not have any Christmas festivities, as that festival insults the intelligence of millions of British people.

'One', said Macclesfield Council chief Sir Henry McPenury, 'Jesus wasn't born on the 25th. of December. The 25th. was celebrated by pagans for hundreds of years before his birth as a time of the Winter Solstice and the birthday of either Sol Invictus, the sun god, or Zoroaster, the pagan prophet. Two, Jesus's own birthday was held to be in January for 300 years after his supposed death by crucifixion, a crucifixion that probably didn't kill him.'

'Three, pagans decorated fir trees and gave one another gifts in December long before Jesus appeared, and four, millions of British Protestants, Muslims, Jews and Hindus see Jesus as just another man, and a not particularly special one either. Christmas Day was still an actual working day in Scotland a few decades ago, because the people there don't believe in a fairy tale invented by St. Paul to turn Christianity into a pagan religion for the Romans. Don't insult the British people's intelligence.'

The fairy tale of St. Paul was stolen from other pagan religions, and turned a Jewish man who preached peace and humility into a nonsensical divine pagan god, that was born on the same day Zoroaster was, died at the same time as the Spring Equinox, but somehow came to life again, like Zoroaster and the Norse pagan god Odin - who was nailed to a tree and resurrected three days later.

Speaking from Rome - the city that invented persecution of Christians - Pope Hippocriticus XXX, former machine-gunner and Hitler Youth member, said about the British councils: 'So the hated British once again foil our plans for world domination! How dare they ruin our little fairy tale.'

'OK, I know and you know that Jesus - who wasn't even called 'Jesus' - was just a man, and a heavy-drinking married one too, and one that survived his own crucifixion, but ... er ...well, where's the money in that? So as usual I'll appear on TV on the 25th. of December, waffle some crap about 'peace', even though my church funds arms factories across the world, rescind a few ex-communications for more German Nazis, and check that the women's dress I wear is nice and purple. Well, white is just so 1980s, isn't it?'

Christianity is seen by hundreds of millions of people across the world as a fraud, a fake religion invented by St. Paul with no connection to reality, and indeed the early Christians themselves saw St. Paul as a blasphemer, including Jesus's brother James.

As for the Pope, hundreds of millions of people wonder what a German Nazi dressed as a woman in the city of Rome, surrounded by millions of Euros' worth of treasures and buildings, has to do with the teachings of a Jewish man in Palestine 2,000 years ago, a man who despised priests and wealth and taught humility and peace.

At least the British councils haven't been fooled.

Make matwil's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 multiplied by 2?

2 22 21 8

Go to top ^