Sven Goran Eriksson has promised England fans that Poland and Austria will pay a heavy price for his latest scandal. "Let them sweat in the knowledge that I will crush them like I'm crushing this can of beer - does anyone have a plaster?"
What has brought about this new vigour? : "Let's just say that an Alam went off in my head. Colouring-in books and Beano annuals are all very well, ....well they're more than that...but I digress...but England needs a manager!"
"So I locked myself in the toilet with only my book on tactics - "Debbie does Upton Park", the edition with the pop-ups and I got down to work. The odd call of nature aside, I set about putting Poland to the sword."
"Of course when you're in the toilet and what with all this talk of swords ...wait!! I'm in enough trouble. Where was I..ah yes, Poland. I have a plan so cunning they'll still be scratching their heads in Warsaw at the turn of the century"
Does this involve some kind of zonal marking coupled to a new formation? : "No, of course not but while I cannot give you the exact details, releasing Lice into the stadium plays no little part!"
Sven don't you feel that the England fans have lost faith with you and the F.A as a result of these ongoing scandals? : "My fans adore me. They travel across Europe to chant my name. They expect nothing less than a Swedish bon vivant with a cute accent and plenty of steamy sex from the England boss. Of course even though it's twelve inches doesn't mean I use it as a rule."
Tell us about your plans for the Austrian game. "Well I think I'm going to wear my blue suit with a power blue tie, everyone thinks I look adorable in it. I will only select players with black hair because it compliments the suit and confuses the Austrians who wear black shorts."
And tactically? "Well obviously I'm going to need big tough men to counter the Austrian physical threat, can't have them thinking I'm some kind of Nancy boy".