Written by queen mudder
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Topics: London, Wales

Wednesday, 4 August 2004

image for Diseased Dodgy Di Fountain Designers' Disasters

London, UK (Rioters) - A furious row over the disastrous Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountian fiasco has escalated to a public slanging match as Royal Parks Agency plumbers admitted last night that there is little chance of the doomed water feature ever being re-opened again. Blaming an intrinsic design fault, an Agency spokeman said: "We should have realised there was little or no hope of this one ever getting off the ground after its prototype, the Gustafson-Porter Colonic Irrigation Waterfeature in Crystal Palace, suffered a similar fate and had to be closed down as a public nuisance liable to cause vomiting, gastric ulcers and even blindness to anyone using it. Having stood dry for ten years, it has become an eyesore and was recently voted into the top ten national disasters ever to have been foisted onto an unsuspecting British public.

"Even today, the Crystal Palace original design still stands empty and inoperable. Under normal circumstances, it would be logical to assume that the same colonic irrigation design specification would never be used again in public, especially in a Royal Park. One must question, too, the appropriateness of such a medical theme for a public memorial. The designers' fixation with a lavatory-seat shaped feature is hardly state-of-the-art Conran-standard, although it does bear an uncanny resemblance to the late Queen Mother's colostomy apparatus that is currently on view to the public at a commemorative display at nearby Clarence House."

This latest spat spells bad news for the design team whose newest offering is to grace the newly-erected North London development The Visage at Swiss Cottage, where a similar ovate shallow pool drifting aimlessly in circles is to be the crowning glory of the local borough engineer-approved construction. Despite an exorcsim by the local Bishop, Feng-Shui advice from Falun Gong-approved dowsers and full third party, fire and theft public liability insurance from Lloyds of London, the site's developers are seriously questioning the chicness of using yet another Gustafson design: "One disaster is understandable, two are unmentionable but a third would be ineffable", said a spokesperson.

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