New York - Columbia University linguistics professor Dr. Robert Salmon is set to publish excerpts from his study claiming that British accents are in fact "fake" in the student paper the Columbia Spectator. The study's full text will be available in the Journal of International Quantitative Linguistics next month.
In an interview conducted for the Spectator, Dr. Salmon stated a clear objective for conducting such an indictment against the longstanding notion that British people actually spoke with "British" accents. "I knew that something had to be going on over there," said Salmon, "when I'm in the UK, someone is always watching me, waiting for a chance to drop a Oh, would you care for a scone Dr. Salmon?' or This dreadful weather is quite a bugger'. Whatever the hell that means."
The report details Dr. Salmon's undercover efforts and frank interviews with ex-Britons that have come clean about their vernacular habits. "It's all a big sham," one source is quoted as saying, and "we do it for the American women", follows another.
Dr. Salmon explained that the British men felt as if they had to compensate for their overall poor hygiene practices, pasty white skin, and terribly small to not quite average penis size. They reasoned that since French men had to overcome these problem two fold but still were romantically successful that they must be doing something right. Thus an accent was born around the turn of the 20th century.
"Before this point, travelers abroad could not tell if they were walking the street of London or New York, excepting the smell," the report mentions. "The English accent was as clear as a bell. In fact it had a rather Midwestern quality to it."
The effects of the far flung deception are greater than Dr. Salmon feared. "In addition to discovering this national façade, I stumbled upon the fact that much of the British slang is simply made up on the spot." Dr. Salmon continued, "Apparently it is all one big game. For example during the study, one fellow said to me, Same to you, with brass knobs on' when I asked him about his use of slang. That sentence is little more than unrelated words strung together."
The report also touches on the Scottish - "Totally faking it. I don't even think they understand each other at this point", and the Irish - "Half committed. They generally spend their days in an alcoholic haze, so they're not really trying that hard."
Because generations of Britons have been raised with the notion that accents are acceptable, breaking the culture of deception will be the most difficult task Dr. Salmon believes. "I liken this problem to kleptomania or an eating disorder. (The British) are sick, and they need help. Perhaps the clinic where Mary-Kate Olson got help in Australia has openings, I don't know."
Whatever the answer, Dr. Salmon believes that something needs to be done and quick. Now that the cat is out of the bag, any attempt at wooing American women with trite euphemisms and mumbling, as are the trademarks of the "British accent", will now be seen as desperate and deceptive.
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