Written by Frank Miller
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Friday, 2 October 2009

image for Swine Flu: Government issues new recommendations
As per Government instructions, people gather in crowds to cough and sneeze openly

Since grossly over estimating 200 million swine flu deaths in the UK alone this year, the UK Government is issuing new guidelines to prove their predictions correct by causing an up surge in new cases.

Published today, the following recommendations to the public are now recommended.

  • On public transport, cough and sneeze directly in someone's face. If no one is nearby, cough and sneeze upwards openly into the air.
  • Office workers should sneeze directly on their keyboards and immediately contact IT support who will dutifully come and play with your keyboard before spreading your germs to the next keyboard they touch.
  • Everyone should lick all kitchen cutlery, coffee mugs and disposable water cooler cups. Do this when nobody is watching to maximise spread.
  • Visit your nearest doctor's surgery and demand Tamiflu. When denied, cough wildly into the face of any doctor who tries to sedate you. The more panic caused will maximise the potential for dramatic TV news.
  • Send your children (plague carrying rats) into shopping malls, butchers and grocery stores to cough and wipe their hands all over the fresh fruit and meat.

The Government minister of swine flu containment, Dr Peter Dimworthy said, "The spread of swine flu must not be contained if we are to avoid an embarrassing PR catastrophe, I urge everyone to panic and spread this disease so the Government can say 'we told you so' and get back some fucking credibility before it's too late!"

Swine flu cases continue to rise.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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