Written by Rebut
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Topics: London, England

Friday, 30 July 2004

image for Survivor Premiership
Survivor contestant selling Sun newspaper at Anfielf.

The next episode of the hit reality TV show "Survivor" will be shot in England and styled 'Survivor Premiership". 16 contestants from the USA will congregate in London for what promises to be their toughest test by far.

Granted it sounds very glam, what with 5 star hotels, all you can eat and even tickets for the theatre or movies most nights. But come Saturday afternoon all hell breaks loose.

At around 14h35 on the first of the three Saturdays contestants will be dropped off outside Stamford Bridge. They will be dressed in Arsenal colours, regardless of opponents, and seated among the Chelsea faithful.

Their placards "Bates in Abromovic Out" will carry pictures of Ken to assist Chelsea fans in remembering the great man. Final orders are to go beserk if the away team score.

The second Saturday will find the surviving 5 contestants at Anfield. Because they have been forced to bury the 11 survivors who didn't, an easy task awaits them.

Prior to kick off they will be required to sell copies of the Sun newspaper while dressed in Everton strip. The Sun will run a special "Apologies are for Pussys" edition slamming everything connected with the club.

Which brings us to the final Saturday. Our sole survivor having buried his mates is still required to "live to win". This time it's over to Old Trafford where the FA have organised for the survivor to sit next to Sir Alex on the bench.

The genius then has to run a non-stop stream of abuse all of it directed at Sir Alex's judgement. "What kind of fookin' moron buys Ronaldo and sells David Beckham?" etc etc. ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad break.

Organisers have calculated that this one will die from 'boot polish poisoning which calcified the brain after receiving a tremendous blow to the head from a boot at half-time".

This will leave absolutely no survivors and the vast majority of cash still in tact. They can then run another episode of the same until someone wins. In fact they could keep going indefinitely if plans to bolster Millwalls promotion hopes are realised.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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