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Monday, 26 July 2004

image for Sven Bust With Maxine Carr
Shit!

All efforts to conceal Maxine Carr's identity fell apart today when news of her affair with Sven Goran Eriksson broke. Well actually her water broke but that was all the nurses at the Battersea Nursing Home needed, to start a mad scramble for a tabloid payday.

Dr Gunther Scheidt veternary surgeon at the Battersea was shocked at the news : "Ven ve had her spayed 3 months ago I had no idea zat she vos pregnunt. Incredibull!"

Sven on the other hand was evasive. When asked whether he had plans to marry Ms Carr he told our reporter that he would only discuss the England team. When asked to explain his tactics for the Portugese game, he offerered to split the difference and discuss Nancy.

Bored with Sven we returned to Battersea and went up to see Maxine who was kenneled with a Labrador and an Afghan (lovely fellow - left the Taliban weeks ago but was lying low for a bit).

"Maxine firstly may we just say how tasteful your kennel is. Those teething rings are very rare...but I digress. Our readers would like to know if you are still going to join a convent?"

Maxine was her bubbly self : "Ooh I dunno, I wanna get mom out of jail, Ian out of jail, Sven out of hell, have the baby, write a book and efferreething!!"

Asked if she had specific criteria in her choice in men : "Of course! Firstly they must be alive and secondly they must be breathing. The rest is optional".

Would her book tell all? "Yes, absolutely! I feel a book without the juicy bits is defrauding the public...which I'm quite happy to do if the gentlemen concerned contact me on maxine@slutfck.com in which case I'd be happy to sell them peace of mind".

Excited about the baby? "Ooh yes I'm a bundle of nerves but very excited at the same time. I hope it looks like Sven because for some strange reason women seem to go for Swedish men with heads too big for their body, no physique, the tactical nous of a lethargic Pelican, the personality of a squeegee and the sexual prowess of a Rain Spider".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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