Written by Earl Grey
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Topics: Tea

Friday, 4 September 2009

image for Cost of Tea Set to Rise
Only one cup per day!

Tea is set to become more expensive, causing panic throughout the land. Shortage of rainfall in the tea-producing nations has led to a knock on effect in our stores. Gordon Brown has already created a special committee, known as Two Sugars, which will meet every day at four o'clock.

The Catholic church in Ireland has already faced near mutiny from parish priests whose housekeepers have started rationing their tea. Cardinal Cormac MacCormac said "In one parish in Sligo the local priest has stripped naked and chained himself to the front door of the church in protest. One elderly lady had to be taken in to hospital with shock after she turned the wrong knob on the way in."

Supermarkets are trying to turn the nation on to drinking coffee instead of tea. The plan has not been well received by a nation of confirmed tea drinkers. Mrs Doris Kettle of Nantwich spoke for the nation when she said "My Bert can't take coffee. It makes him get up in the night and pee several times."

The tea shortage is causing concern in other sectors of the food and beverage industry. The Milk Marketing Board has seen a steady drop in milk buying and cows are facing redundancies in parts of Southern England. Biscuit manufacturers are also feeling the pinch as the public turn towards cake to go with their cups of coffee.

Spivs have started appearing on street corners with suitcases full of tea bags. One such character, Gordon Caddy of Evesham, said "Look guv, I'm just providing a much needed service in the nation's hour of need."

As tensions rise throughout the land thoughts naturally turn towards the weather in Sri Lanka and India. We sincerely hope that it starts pissing down out there very soon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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