Written by Frank Miller
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Topics: Economy, Iceland

Sunday, 30 August 2009

image for Iceland: Bank promises to give it all back (eventually)
Like the sign says...

Yesterday Iceland, the troubled bank, have agreed to pay the money (lost last year) back to their investors.

Iceland's CEO John T Icehole held a news conference. "We're very sorry for the distress we've caused the UK and the world", he said, "we agree to pay back every penny we lost."

Icehole was a man broken, he dropped to his knees and wept as he made account of himself. As he spoke, a pool of urine grew larger around him. He outlined the numerous ways he will attempt to raise money to make amends including extortion, prostitution, drug trafficking and white slavery; all sanctioned by the board to raise the cash.

But Iceland is suggesting a far more controversial cash generating method; Raising the price of their range of frozen products including the popular Chicken Nuggets.

Families of fat children with an addiction to chicken nuggets are likely to be hit the hardest from this increase.

Yvonne Prentice is a low income single parent of four from the Eastern Counties, she's devastated.

"In this recession, how can I be expected to cope? All the kids want are chicken nuggets and nothing else. What can I feed them if they raise the prices? I don't have a fucking clue! I've only got just enough money at the moment for fags and booze!"

Back at the news conference, urine soaked Icehole admitted that much of the missing money had been squandered on the not so secret snort habit of the corporate mascot 'Minky the Icelandic Monkey' recently fired when caught on video hoovering line after line.

Unfortunately, although these promises of payment have been made, investors of the stricken bank are unlikely to see any money soon since all of Iceland's assets have been frozen.

The moral of the story? Never put money into a bank fronted by a coke snorting gibbering hyperactive primate; you're just asking for trouble.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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