Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 30 July 2009

image for New Bar To Open On Coronation Street
Have A Reet Grand Neet Down Rover's Return.

It's just been revealed that recovering alcoholic Peter Barlow off Coronation Street is to open a posh wine bar on Coronation Street, Weatherfield, in direct competition with traditional northern boozer, The Rover's Return.

The new venture is to be managed by Leanne Battersby, an ex prostitute, restaurateur, and arsonist.

The wisdom of a recovering alcoholic opening a wine bar has been questioned in many quarters, not least by Barlow's father, Kenneth, a serial philanderer who hates his wife because she's common, smokes like a chimney, has a daughter who is a murderer, and a doughty old mother who has the most crippling one liners in Soapland - the Victor Nicholas of Granada.

Barlow senior told us:

"This is sheer lunacy. It could put the Rovers out of business. I've been propping the bar up in the Rovers for fifty years now, quaffing halves of Newton and Ridley. Now my own son is jeopardising a local institution. I'll give the recovering alcoholic little twat a slap. Like I slapped Mike Baldwin. This is an outrage."

Betty Turpin, (134) who cooks hotpot in the Rovers was equally outraged, but confident that her legendary hotpot would see off the new kids on the block. She said:

"My hotpot's legendary round here. It's all I've ever cooked for the last 120 years. In fact it's all I've ever cooked. May late husband Cyril - God Rest Him - died of hotpot. I'm not worried about competing with canapes and tapas - northern folk like good honest grub. Especially hotpot."

Peter Barlow was unavailable for comment, but Leanne Battersby offered to blow us for twenty quid apiece. When we agreed the price - providing we could film it on our mobiles - she demurred, stating that the publicity would reflect badly on her.

The cow!

More Betty's Hotpot related buffoonery as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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