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Thursday, 23 July 2009

image for Top Gear is Finished - Richard Hammond Refuses To Be Clarkson's New Dick
The new Ferrari Tractorosso 7-litre for the Latvian market

The moment we have all dreaded is upon us - the Top Gear Triumvirate is to be sundered - and all because of a selfish action by Hammond.

There is a sense of tragi-comedy about the news and the production team seems to believe that things can be patched up.

Hammond, however, is adamant. "There is no way I am being transplanted to Clarkson's groin as a new prick" Hammond protests. "He's worn himself to a stump shagging Subo - not my problem".;

We speculate that brain damage resulting from the horrific moment only a few short months ago, when Hammond sat briefly in a Skoda, might be behind his shock decision.

"The Skoda moment has nothing to do with it. My decision is based on pure gut feeling. I reckon that if I let Jezza use me as his new dick, he will be back with that scheming bitch Susan Boyle like a rat up a drainpipe".

For Susan Boyle, the internationally famous operatic diva has filed for divorce from JC and The Hamster is desperate to ensure that the divorce happens.

"Can you imagine being driven feet-first into her by Clarkson's pelvic thrusts? Or head-first with James May's wig stapled to your feet to represent pubic hair?"

"No" says Hammond. "We cock about on Top Gear, but I would rather break up the team and enter a monastery than penetrate Subo's nether regions".

Mr Hammond has accepted a contract to present the new Latvian TV driving show Top Ox Cart, James May is to become Oz Clarke's bitch and Jeremy Clarkson is the new Poet Laureate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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