Written by Gertrude Dobbs
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Wednesday, 20 March 2002

Police are investigating how a Yorkshire woman was killed today when a recording of Max Bygraves's song 'You Need Hands' became stuck in her CD player's replay mode.

"We estimate the song played well over three hundred times," said Inspector Morose, head of Yorkshire Constabulary's Max Bygraves unit. "The woman's body showed signs that she had attempted to turn the recording off, but by the second playing her movement would have been severely restricted. Sadly, by the time the song started for the third time, death would have been inevitable."

Doctors at Leeds St James Hospital Centre for the Research of Deadly Songs were quick to point out the dangers of excessive listening to Max Bygraves. "The body's neurological and physiological response to listening to such music is massive," said department head Doctor Des O'Connor. "First there are purely physical effects - a drying of the mouth, headache, pronounced sweating - and these are often ignored by the seasoned Bygraves user. Next comes the subconscious response in which the body may use reflexes, perhaps, to fling a leg wildly in the vain hope that the CD player may be knocked off the shelf and broken. Lastly, as death approaches, the victim's liver leaps up the oesophagus in a vain attempt to plug the ears."

Today's tragic death is not the first to be attributed to such lethal music. Only last month a Basingstoke man sawed his own head off with a toothbrush after listening to a particularly virulent Cliff Richard song. And previous to this the town of Shrewsbury doused itself in petrol and struck a match rather than be subjected to Cilla Black's UK tour.

"I can't stress enough how dangerous such music can be," said Inspector Morose. "The young ones think they can handle it, but soon they're on the real hard stuff like Brotherhood of Man and Abba. If you're approached by someone asking you to listen to Barry Manillow, then our advice is to just say no. And report them at once to your local constabulary. You might just be saving someone's life."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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