Friends and relatives were consoling a distraught local girl today after she uncovered her family's deep, dark secret - that she is related to Piers Morgan, the tosser off 'America's Got Talent' and 'Britain's Got Talent'.
Shelly Morgan, 15, said she was rummaging about in the attic one day when she found a dusty old scrapbook. She opened it and inside found her family tree. It was just minutes later that she found reference to a toffee nosed prick who had been the editor of a shitty tabloid and who then fluked his way onto television as a judge.
"I'm still trembling! Look at my hands", said the girl, "My family suddenly stopped me watching television at prime time in recent years. I just thought they were being mean but now I understand".
"Grand-dad would get up and leave the room whenever any mention of Britain's Got Talent came on the radio. He was obviously too distraught. Maybe that's what lead to his 'accident' with the rope last year .".
Shelly - who has now assumed a new identity for fear of reprisals from everyone who hates the smug-faced TV bastard she's, unfortunately, related to - has asked to be hypnotised, so as to wipe away the hurtful memories of being connected to such a hateful, arse-chinned, plummy prick.