Written by JP Johnston
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Friday, 10 July 2009

image for DIY Murder Toll Rises
Just A Wardrobe, Police Warn

Edinburgh, Scotland and/or UK - Store staff at IKEHYA in Edinburgh were shocked to discover another murder victim yesterday, the third in the store in as many months. The 32-year-old man had been beaten, kicked and bitten, attacked with DIY tools, and then his body hidden inside a stylish but practical pine wardrobe.

This brings the total number of deaths in the UK's Swedish-owned household goods and furniture stores to 32 this year alone. Police have issued a statement to anyone thinking of visiting the outlets:

"Do not go around the aisles attempting to pronounce the Swedish brand names for the items on sale. This behaviour has been repeatedly linked to the deaths of these unfortunate people. The English tongue is not equipped to pronounce Ektruup, Kokksyks, Smegsta, Pillboks and other brand names, especially with the little lines and dots, and it should not be attempted. Silly Swedish accents like the chef from the Muppet Show do not help and are very dangerous.

"In addition, the public should definitely not go in the wrong direction, that is, contrary to the arrows on the floor. This can stimulate attacking behaviour from the mildest of customers. One killer was an eighty-three year old lady angered by just this behaviour. She killed a young woman with a snappy "Skandisk" mug tree.

"And do not, repeat not, moan all the way round the shop that they make you walk in line like a concentration camp or that the items are cheap and they fall to bits after you put them up."

In the most recent attack, Lothian and Borders Police are holding the victim's wife and children for questioning. In a statement it was revealed the man kept saying Klogbo as if he spoke Swedish, although in fact he had only done a bit of German at school, and had complained numerous times that the meatball sauce had tasted "Funny."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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