Written by Ross Donovan
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Topics: Court, Animal Rights

Wednesday, 7 July 2004

BIRMINGHAM, UK -- Today was the day animal rights activists worldwide celebrated after a triumphant landmark case in Birmingham Crown Court. Steven Aldwin (34) succeeded in winning an historical judgement as an animal rights activist, and was granted rights as an animal, namely a Yorkshire Terrier. Aldwin had been an animal rights campaigner for over 15 years and has now become a dog with the rights and responsibilties granted onto Terriers.

Aldwin's lawyer Timothy Nyland spoke frankly of the judgement. "I think animal rights activists worldwide should take heart from this ruling, Steven is 34 now which is 238 dog years making him the oldest living dog known to man. His wife and children will have to spend some quality time with Steven as he should not have long more to live".

His wife Theresa Aldwin had mixed emotions after the judgment as she will now have to take Steven for walks and clean up dog shit after him adding, "I don't know how I feel right now, besides cleaning his dog shit off the carpet, sex, doggystyle has never been a favourite of mine". Aldwin's children Sheeba (7) and Rover (5) are delighted that their father has become a Yorkshire Terrier. They both wanted a pet dog and now they have one not only as a household pet but as a father figure as well. Rover wants to emulate his dad and become a Golden Retriever.

Unfortunately under new laws set to be passed next month because of the case, Aldwins children will now be deemed pups and any type of children's allowance currently being issued to them will be stopped. Aldwin's wife Theresa has applied for Social Welfare dog allowance of £10 per week to combat a potential financial disaster for the family.

Stevens wife Theresa has also planned for the inevitable end. "I don't like talking about it, but when the time comes I've arranged a small pet funeral with his remains buried in a little plot out back". Aldwin will be sharing garden turf with Rosie the Goldfish added Theresa. The pet Goldfish died suddenly, and Theresa Aldwin was hesitant and tearful talking about the circumstances of their former pets death, only saying, "lets just say it involved a banana and a blender".

Steven Aldwin was not able to make any statement after the landmark win in Birmingham but barked twice. His lawyer also said, "of course Yorkshire Terriers cannot speak and until one does, Steven is unavailable for comment, but will be performing at Crufts International Dog Show next spring".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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