Written by JP Johnston
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Tuesday, 16 June 2009

image for Recession: Civil Servants "Will Be Forced to Eat Each Other"
Make with the sugar puffs, honey

London, EN - The Chartered Institute of Human Resources People has issued a chilling warning over job losses in the Public Sector. Up to 5 million civil servants and council workers could lose their jobs over the next five years. This may lead to cannibalism, according to a leading expert.

Chief Economist John Philpott says the recession has "gutted the public purse, slaughtered the exchequer, and made a bloody, gory, elbow-deep mess of financial planning". This could lead to slashing of the workforce, "Guerrilla war" in the workplace, leading to industrial action and "desk to desk fighting."

"Civil Servants and Council Workers may be forced to eat each other" Cashpott went on. "There will be real head-hunting in the corridors of power. Administrators will be used as cattle, and slaughtered, their skulls used as desk-tidies. Wild tribes will grow up in the smoke-blackened derelict office buildings. Senior Civil Servants will create elaborate headdresses and be carried about on palanquins made from leather swivel chairs. Staples will become currency and secretaries will be kept as sex slaves."

"Perhaps they will have to be naked all the time, and carry out sexual acts on each other at the clap of their masters' hands. They will have to eat sugar puffs off each other's glistening bodies. And then eat the brains of a crucified clerical officer."

Speaking through a barred window at an exclusive health spa Mr Crackpot said, "The recession hasn't got through to the public sector yet. But it's coming. They've had it. No pension, no job security, and head on a stick. Game over, man."

CBI Plea

Meanwhile the CBI said workers are crippling industry by demanding wages and benefits. "We cannot bid for contracts if up to 10% of our profits goes to wages," said Rodney Eton-Cambridge. "Perhaps the tax payer should foot the bill."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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