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Topics: Knife, ASBO, stabbing

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

image for New Anti Stab Knife: Asbo yob heads off to EU Courts for breach of human rights
Old pointed style kitchen knives. a thing of the past?

Liverpool: Repeat offender and current Asbo world champion, Martin 'Divvy' Derek of Croxteth, Liverpool today announced he planned to go to the European Court of Human Rights after using one of the revolutionary new Anti Stab knives.

THINK SAFETY

The new Kitchen Knife was introduced as it came to light many of the stabbings and murders in the UK are a result of criminals using kitchen knives in their attacks. The new design still has a sharp flat edge to cut up vegetables and butter your toast, but shaped with a curved edge at the tip to deflect the stabbing motion.

ARREST

Divvy was arrested earlier today after his bungled burglary attempt but later had this to say
"It aint fuckin rrite. a went out teday an a tried to do over an 'ouse lihke, but de feller inside gorrin me way, so I ad to errr, you know lihke, ad to cut im up lihke with one 'er' deez knives I found in iz kitchen, but the friggin blade didnt werk."

THREATS

Divvy, currently into his world record 6 year Asbo sentence, later threatened our reporter "wharra load 'er' shite lihke, itz a ripoff innit, itz a breech 'er' me yuman rritez. I waz opin to do lihke errr, ten yearz berrd, but now am only gonner get two te three, yer know warra a mean eh soft lad, you want sum too eh, eh, eh, yer fukkin soft lad."

DEADLY INVENTIONS

Meanwhile the inventor of the anti stab knife, industrial designer John Cornock, announced several more products for Launch which Divvy was asked to try.

Cornock showed off the new 'anti car smash shield', a protective shield which inflates pre impact of a collision with a car. Unfortunately for Divvy, these were to be his last attempts at crime as the shield didn't inflate and he was squashed under the car........ As the ambulance turned up and he lay dying under the cars wheels, he wailed "yer know warra mean lihke, errr, errr, de bizzies, a can ear da bizzies, let's av it soft lad, yer woolyback fukker......a'll av yerrall........Urrghhh"

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