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Monday, 1 June 2009

image for Diversity Saves Britain From Satan Cowell!
"Satan's coming in a tiny car" - Shaheen Jafarghalarghaloli

London- After the final of 'Susan's Got Talent!' on Saturday, scenes of celebration played out across Britain, as it transpired that had Miss Boyle won, the world would immediately have been consumed by hellfire and brimstone.

A shady order of Britons, under the leadership of 'Hollie Steel' had been planning for years to raise Satan through demonic rituals. The last step in their plan was to have Susan Boyle win the aforementioned show, thus creating a wave of positive energy from America large enough to summon Beelzebub.

Susan was chosen as the sacrifice at the Glasgow audition. The sect had been planning to commence their plan, which involved sacrificing a virgin to the God of television, Simon Cowell, but had been unable to find a person 'virgin' enough. They had resorted to using Shaun the Sheep, a mere 9 virginal inches, when Boyle auditioned for the show. As soon as the 701-year old walked onstage, the virginometer spiralled out of control, and Cowell's eyes literally transformed into giant dollar signs. After recent testing it has been revealed that Boyle in fact measures over 1 billion virginal inches.

As Amanda Holden poured praise upon Susan, and bare flesh upon viewers, Simon sat and pondered the huge amounts of pure energy that could be unleashed by sacrificing the witless spinster. Using his demonic powers it was simple to stir up a media frenzy in the following weeks, and whilst the underground group met a setback when their leader, Hollie (5) broke down halfway through the show, unable to cope with Simon's manipulation, she was immediately silenced by Cowell's thinly veiled threat that she had 'one more chance' to sing.

As the final of 'Susan's Got Talent' progressed, tension levels across the world began to rise, reaching their peak during Boyle's performance, where she was surrounded by candles and a satanic pentagram. UK regulating body Pissoffcom received 3'000 complaints, but took their usual policy of ignoring them all.

By the end of the night the levels of anticipation were high enough to summon Satan and his Merry Men, and Simon waited backstage practising his evil laugh for the moment when his dreams would finally come true, and over 7000 years of wearing his trousers too high to constrain the evil rolling around in his tum-tum space would have paid off.

However, at the last minute a phone call from Saint Joanna Lumley swayed the vote in favour of Diversity, a dance group of mixed race and age (she later justified her decision by saying 'I thought there might have been a few Ghurkas amongst such a diverse group.')

As soon as the results were announced, America prepared to commence nuclear war with Britain. However, Cowell eventually revealed his true colours, running onto the stage and consuming the members of Diversity in a fit of rage. They are currently bound into a thousand year blood contract with the TV mogul and it is unlikely that they will emerge alive. However, the fact that Britain is safe from 'The Order of the Cowl' is allegedly a great comfort.

When we went to interview Susan, we found her making love to Shaun the Sheep, screaming 'Ah'll niverr be used agin!'

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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