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Monday, 25 May 2009

image for Lumley told she must leave to save Gurkhas
Lumley shown the door to UK

Gordon Brown today told Joanna Lumley that the Gurkhas can stay in the UK but she must leave the country.

The former New Avengers actress feted the PM for being so brave and the former Gurkha soldiers gave him three cheers.

Ms Lumley now has 12 working days to leave the UK so the Nepalese former soldiers can stay.

"Gordon Brown and Sarah Brown sat me down and asked me how much I wanted the Gurkhas to stay.

"Sarah asked if I would join them in a threesome without any kinky gear, just very loving with a number of Cabinet members looking on.

"I said no. Then the prime minister told me I had to leave the country or every Gurkha would be shipped back home in a balloon."

The Browns have refused to comment on private meeting - but a Downing Street spokesman stated it was usual to ask single issue groups to compromise on any policy decision.

The Treasury only backed down last year over non-doms when the Cabinet was offered a private yacht for use in the Isle of Man.

Meanwhile the government only backed down to pay and pension demands from fire brigade unions when David Milliband was allowed to ride in a fire engine with the sirens on.

Schools secretary Ed Balls is expected to introduce a curriculum shake-up to include greater use of celery in food technology lessons after being spotted at Thorpe Park with a gaggle of civil servants.

"Labour sleaze is at an apex as they realise their days in office are numbered, " said politics professor Malcolm Oscar-Wildecatz.

"For many ministers, they are putting out wedding lists of their things to do before 40 and telling interest groups that policy will change if they get what they want.

"Brown's obssession with Lumley is well known, so when she snubbed him she had to get out of the country."

It is reported Treasury bod Stephen Timms is openly courting firms to change tax law if he can "wrestle a lion".

Margaret Beckett is demanding a "nice hat", "a fishing rod", and a "Wii" to fast track planning permission.

Trade secretary Peter Mandelson is selling export licences in change for squash club membership and equipment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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