Written by Dr Scotty Madoc
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Sunday, 24 May 2009

image for Susan Boyle: The King Of Cowell
Susan before make-up

Homely Scottish Spinster Singing sensation Susan Boyle is today looking forward to competing in the Britain's Got Talent finals tonight.

The 48 year old told reporters that she is going to be performing a medley of Elvis songs in tribute to her hero.

"I've got myself a right proper nice hairdo for the occasion" She said whilst dancing round her flat in typically eccentric manner.

"I'm getting me hair all quiffed up and I got a reet-nice silver jump suit all lined up... Viva Las Vegas!!!"

Simon Cowell revealed how Susan had been getting prepared for her spot in the limelight by snorting lines of coke in Ant and Dec's dressing room and eating fried banana sandwiches in an attempt to channel the spirit of 'The King.'

Susan revealed to us: "Ever since i were a wee lass, I've dreamed of being the female Elvis. I used to dance around the house as a child singing 'hound dog' and I've even been to Graceland and touched Elvis's carpet."

Piers Morgan told us that: "Susan is phenomenal, even if I, a bona fide cu**, say so. I've seen her rehearsing all this week and all i can say is aye-chi-waaa-waaa... that bitch got talent baby!"

Susan will have to work extra hard tonight to shake off persistent rumours that she is animatronic and secretly controlled backstage by the other half of Dec in an attempt to win viewer ratings and sympathy. Susan herself hasn't denied these rumors. Stating: "I'm just a simple lass me... I don't know if I'm real or not."

Animatronic or not, Susan will be hoping for viewer votes tonight so she can win and sing in front of the queen at the Royal Variety Performance.

"Oh it'll be a dream come true, i hope the Queen likes 'Wooden Heart' as that's one of my fave's...does not compute...does not compute...please insert new track..."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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